my funeral details - in case you miss it

Morbid? Whatever... we'll get to my funeral in a minute.

So I got a new follower, but I also got schooled from Harper on how this damn blogging thing works. Apparently there are so many levels of google blogger reader subscriber follower I can't even get my head around it. But- she gave me a great hint (feed counter or something) and a little reprimand (I should blog for myself not for you people) and I guess that means that will be the end of the subject. (For now). So- I'll try to do just what Harper told me to do and.... well, no other ands. That's it.

BUT I did get a new follower- Kim's sister Sarah. See- that I was not expecting. Do you see why I like to know my audience?? (Sarah- your sister is the 24 year old friend with gas.) Oh shoot, sorry, Kim.

Back to my funeral- My family, bless their hearts, does some weird - scratch that - different things. One of my favorite things is when they celebrate the birthday's of deceased relatives- cake included. I love cake and give all of you permission to celebrate my birthday when I'm dead- but only if it's chocolate/chocolate. Or funfetti. And you should get as many roses on it as I am old. I don't remember the last time we did this (Tennessee and Texas puts me off the invite list for birthday celebrations)- but I think it's a great idea. My mom said we can do it for her birthday too.

Funeral/will planning is discussed more than you'd think in my family... When my Grandma sold "our" (really, her's and Poppy's) cabin in the mountains (Ligoneir anyone?) she then bought a very nice diamond. This has turned quite a few after holiday dinner discussions to "What do I get when you're dead?". My grandma says my mother gets the ring over her "cold, dead body" and then I will get the ring over my mother's "cold, dead body". This is why I need a husband to buy me big diamonds- I don't have time to wait around for cold, dead bodies to get me some diamonds! Also, grandma may or may not be entering a phase where she... hmm.... misplaces things. The diamond has been misplaced twice...... (and found twice (Thanks Saint Francis!!-- and, I know it's usually Saint Anthony for lost items, but that's an entirely different story.).

When wills come up- funerals usually come up. I'd say there are some pretty standard funeral songs in my family. Either during or after a funeral someone (me, my mom or my sister) will say which songs the other ones can play at her funeral. I'd say we're all pretty set on Here I Am Lord (I still can't hear that song without getting a little emotional). Lately I've been into the Prayer of Saint Francis, Ave Maria and Hail Mary, Gentle Woman. Another common one is Let There Be Peace on Earth- however, my mother does not want peace on earth if she is not here for it - so she doesn't want that one at her funeral. I like that reason and also do not want it played at my funeral either. I guess I have some time to think about this- but that's where I am right now.

Oh! Also- don't cremate me. And cry a lot at my actual funeral, but eat good food after my funeral. And remember- cake, always, on my birthday. Except the first birthday- you should still be sick with grief then and not eating. Oh, and I guess my future husband should know I plan on dying after him.

My mother has some other special requests for her funeral that are... well.. you decide:

The family dogs were always Shih Tzus. We had Abbey (black and white), Tucker (brown and white) and Lacey (step sister to Tucker also brown and white). Abbey my parents got when they were sans children and then had her while we were children until a terrible storm came along, spooked Abbey and she ran away and got hit by a car and died. My dad rescued her body and we got to say goodbye to Abbey and then we wrapped her in a blanket made by great grandma (don't tell grandma) and buried her in the back yard. Then we got Tucker and then Lacey a few years later. My mom loved all dogs, but she definitely loved Tucker the most. And when Tucker died... well... it was a very sad time. I got a call from my mom a few days later telling me she read an article in the paper and she was having Tucker cremated. This was weird to me but I didn't say anything. When I came back from college for the summer break my mother came out of the house to give me a hug and then she got very quiet and said "Did you want to see Tucker?". I was then introduced to cremated tucker- he's in a nice, green felt bag that has a bow and a ribbon and a poem and a lock of his hair. He was in the dining room and is now in the living room.

My mother then told me she wanted Tucker in her casket with her. I thought she was kidding- but she was not. I thought this was weird so I agreed to NOT DO IT. For those of you who don't know, Munhall is a small town and my mother knows the undertaker. Since she didn't trust me to carry out a dying wish, she told the undertaker not to put her under the ground unless Tucker was in there with her. Weird? Yes. So now Lacey has also passed, and been cremated- and how can my mother put one dog in there but not the other? So now we're to TWO dogs. AND THEN we got a Golden Retriever. DO YOU KNOW HOW BIG THAT BAG OF ASHES IS GOING TO BE? I assume she'll want Moses in there too- and who ever else we end up getting along the way.

I guess I will put all the ashes in her casket- but I'm not putting them down by her feet. I'm going to put them up by her pillow so everyone can see them. Oh, and Mom, if you're reading this- I don't think we're going to put you down there with any really good jewelry either, ok?

I just got a little carried away with funeral arrangements- didn't I? Back to more important things- the blog. It seems you people like it when I bitch, moan, whine, complain and get to the true spirit of things. I can definitely continue that- but, you must understand that my "tote mis" level has been significantly dropped since leaving Chattanooga. Also, I think bitching, moaning, whining and complaining is not my most charming side and may deter me from getting a husband- this is a major concern for obvious and previously stated reasons (I want one.) Nonetheless, I'll do my best to continually come up with THINGS I HATE and tell you about them (if you've even made it this far). And, since in my last blog I put myself in direct competition with Miss Hebner's blog (not that she asked for it or even knows that I'm doing it) but- anyway, she has a new background AND pictures! Damn her... I'll never catch up.