online dating

Great news, humes! I'm online dating. I haven't decided how much I'm going to share with you.... actually, who am I kidding? I have no boundaries.


Here's the deal - I have a SIX month subscription to match.com. Yes. This is serious. I figure if I spend the rest of the year practicing my online "winking" and messaging, I'll be good to go by January. Why is January such an important month? Because I expect everyone to go home for the holidays and their family will ask them all kinds of annoying things like "Are you dating anyone? No.. oh.." and "Oh, so and so is engaged" or "So and so is expecting twins!" and everyone will feel just AWFUL about themselves. And they will say: "That is it! Effective January 1st I am changing my life and I'm doing it with online dating!!!"


And there I'll be.


Waiting.


With a wink. Or something. I haven't quite figured it all out yet.


Here's what I do know:


1) Filters are amazing. Now that I've set email filters, old men can no longer email me. I was getting way too many "Heyyyy purty lady" from 50 somethings in nowhere Texas. Really weird. Now, that is gone. Phew!


2) Most people did not complete grade school. I mean, why else would you still say "u" for "you", "aiiight" for "alright" or "2" for "to" if you knew any grammar at all??


3) Messages don't really creep me out, but they do make me feel sad for the sender. Not sad enough to sympathy date, but sad enough to feel bad for them.


4) Match says NO for you! You just click the "no thanks" button and it sends this generic email that says "Sorry, I don't think we are a good fit. Good luck!" and that is that!


Here are some of the messages I've received:


Ding Ding Ding!! And the winner is "You".. Please email to collect your prize. "Me"... Making you laugh & smile is in my DNA :) Let's see if I can pull you off this thing?


Gag. Ser.


Heard you were looking for me! Lol. Lame line, sorry. Just wanted to say hello.


Regardless of this being a capital-L LAME line, have a little confidence, gosh. 


are you a steeler fan? Do you like regulard Coca Cola?


Regulard? REALLY!?


Hi, Im Ryan. This daily matches thing says we have the same birth month. What day is your birthday? Mine is June 12th. Well, read your profile and wanted to say hi.


Birthday month? Maybe you should try a lame line...


I read your profile 
and thought we might be a good match. 
I am fairly neat, loving animal, laid back 
enjoy life... 
I am not here for game, but a start of a serious relationship 
if you want to get to know each other better 
prehaps we can spend a little time together over a dinner or lunch. 


Now, you know my feelings on minorities, and the email above is clearly from an ESL student. However, match.com has helped me decide that on my list of priorities grammar comes before ethnicity. 


More to come!